It's the kids who are hurt when mum and dad hit each other

Susan Metcalfe

July 7, 2011 (Age and National Times)

OPINION

Witnessing domestic violence is a form of child abuse.

THE most enduring image from my childhood is the one where my father is holding my mother on the ground. Her face is bloody, his forehead is cut. When he finally lets her go she runs out the door and returns only the next morning. I was eight or nine years old at the time and the image remains central to understanding my childhood experience and many of the challenges I have faced as an adult.

A new report, Children's exposure to domestic violence in Australia, by the Australian Institute of Criminology calls for an increased awareness of a child's exposure to domestic violence as a form of child abuse. Witnessing domestic violence is defined as ranging from the child ''only'' hearing the violence to the child ''being forced to participate in the violence or being used as part of a violent incident''. It can involve being used as a physical weapon, being forced to watch or participate in assaults, being forced to spy on a parent, a child being informed they are to blame for the violence because of their behaviour, being used as a hostage, defending a parent against violence and/or intervening to stop violence.

The report notes that a child's exposure to domestic violence will often be just one aspect of a family experience in which other types of violence are also present. As a child I often tried to mediate the arguments and violence between my parents, but my father was also violent towards me when drunk, and my parents' preoccupation with their own problems meant that my brother and I were vulnerable to further traumatic events outside the family.

My parents were not ''bad'' people, and in our community they were known as being ''nice'' and friendly. But over years of financial struggle they became increasingly isolated, and when both turned to alcohol as a way of coping, the physical and verbal violence at home escalated. I remember once trying to talk to friends at primary school about my home life but they all laughed when I told them of plates being thrown across our lounge room the night before. So I laughed too and pretended I was joking and I never mentioned it again.

The Institute of Criminology report points to findings that more than one-third of children exposed to domestic violence demonstrated ''well-being comparable with, or better than, children from non-violent homes''. But the report also notes that children not displaying symptoms may still be traumatised by their exposure to domestic violence.

Problems experienced by children who have witnessed such violence include depression, anxiety, antisocial behaviour, low self-esteem, the presence of pervasive fear, loneliness, school difficulties, peer conflict, impaired cognitive functioning, increased likelihood of substance abuse, eating disorders, leaving school early and suicide attempts. Some symptoms are more obvious than others, and I can remember trying to hide the fear I carried inside me as a child.

A statement by Attorney-General Robert McClelland and Minister For Home Affairs and Justice Brendan O'Connor supports the findings of the institute's report. It also highlights the point that children exposed to domestic violence are susceptible to acting violently themselves. But although the report notes that there is ''some support for the hypothesis that children from violent families of origin carry violent and violence-tolerant roles to their adult intimate relationships'', it also states that results have been mixed and that ''most children growing up with violence will become adults who are neither perpetrators nor victims of violence''.

While it is important to break cycles of violence where they do exist, it is also important that we don't categorise victims in ways that will stigmatise rather than heal. I am certainly not a violent person, in spite of having had violence inflicted upon me. My father's parents were not violent, and I have come across many other victims of childhood violence who have not adopted the same behaviours.

Throughout my adult life I have spoken openly of my childhood and teenage experiences, refusing to be silenced by social expectations to speak only of happy childhood memories. But I have always been shocked by how many people will reciprocate by sharing their own experiences, often containing traumas still impacting on their lives.

Domestic violence is pervasive in our culture. It is time we discarded the taboos and shame associated with its open discussion. We need to encourage people to speak honestly about their life experiences, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

Research on the effects of witnessing domestic violence must be supported, along with more targeted programs for victims, and widespread attention is needed for the report's main focus on an ''increased awareness of children's exposure to domestic violence as a form of child abuse''.

The protection of our children should always be our priority and we must invest more in holistic responses, education and early intervention measures that will stop all forms of violence before they begin. My mother died suddenly when I was a teenager, and I was estranged from my father for numerous years before he died. I can only wonder now if they had received help, or even been made aware of just how damaging their behaviour had become, how different our lives might have been.

Susan Metcalfe is an author and freelance writer.